Want to Be More Compassionate? Use This Mental Model: Unmet Needs Drive Bad Behavior
This is part of my blog series Practical Self-Help for Introspective People.
Hey, friends!
Let me share a simple yet powerful mental model that made me much more compassionate. (Honestly, I’m kind of embarrassed about how I used to view others!)
Here’s the mental model: Unmet needs drive bad behavior.
Ok, let’s unpack this. Everyone is hurting in some way, and this pain creates negative feelings which drive negative behavior.
This is all kind of abstract, so let’s walk through two examples.
Example 1: Jean Valjean
In the novel Les Misérables, Jean Valjean supports his sister and her seven children. But Jean can’t find work.
From the book:
It was a sad group, which misery was grasping and closing upon, little by little. There was a very severe winter; Jean had no work, the family had no bread; literally, no bread, and seven children.
In desperation, Valjean breaks a window and steals a loaf of bread from a baker. Then the police arrest him and haul him off to prison.
Valjean’s family needed food which drove him to steal. Pretty simple, right? People resort to crime to feed their families. The novel even states this explicitly:
in London starvation is the immediate cause of four thefts out of five.
Now, I can imagine talking to Jean Valjean and explaining why stealing is wrong. (Didn’t we learn this in kindergarten?) In my mind, I can hear Valjean agreeing with me, even repeating my words back to me. And yet, he would steal again to feed his starving family. (Seriously, who wouldn’t?)
The only way to stop Valjean’s stealing is to feed his family or, at the very least, allow him to earn money to buy bread. This awful situation is reminiscent of that old line from Utopia by Sir Thomas More about how we “first make thieves and then punish them.”
Unmet physical needs drive bad behavior.
Example 2: Michael Scott
Unmet needs are often emotional. In The Office (2005), Michael Scott lacks connection and closeness. So he constantly tries to be the center of attention and be the “funny guy.” As a result, he tramples boundaries and abuses power, like when he thinks it would be funny to pretend to fire subordinates. (Can you imagine having a boss like that?)
Our instinct is to call out inappropriate behavior and tell people like Michael to stop. But they don’t change until their unmet needs are resolved. We might encourage them to have empathy, but their personal pain drowns out any empathy they might feel.
In Michael’s case, this deep pain is loneliness, insecurity, and a hopelessness he masks with humor. The remedy for these is connection and closeness. But positive relationships require certain social skills, like showing vulnerability and admitting when we’re wrong. Michael either lacks these skills or lacks the courage to use them. (Showing vulnerability and admitting we’re wrong requires courage!)
In short, Michael Scott lacks closeness and connection. These unmet emotional needs drive his bad behavior.
Not excusing bad behavior
This mental model is not an excuse for misbehavior. When someone hurts you, it doesn’t matter which of their needs are unmet. The harm they inflict is independent of what’s going on in their personal lives. Insults still sting. Punches still break bones. (Or worse.)
In addition, this mental model is not an invitation to surrender to abuse. You should protect your possessions from thieves and distance yourself from the Michael Scotts of the world. (I certainly do!) There’s no virtue in needless suffering. There’s no virtue in being a doormat.
We must protect ourselves against bad actors while recognizing that their behavior is a symptom of unmet needs. Yes, we can do both of these things. We can choose a compassionate perspective while defending our boundaries. We can choose to see others’ pain while protecting ourselves.
Becoming compassionate
Adopting this worldview makes us more compassionate.
Some obvious benefits include feeling more empathy. We’re less likely to escalate things (until they turn into a shouting match), and we’re more likely to use kindness and understanding to diffuse tension. All of these improve our relationships and overall happiness.
One not-so-obvious benefit comes as we introspect and discover our own unmet needs. We may discover that we lack closeness and connection. With this knowledge, we can take steps to meet these needs. As we meet our own needs, we experience fewer negative feelings, have better relationships, and feel better about life.
So try it out. The next time someone does something you don’t like, look past their behavior and see their pain. What are their unmet needs?
Remember, everyone’s hurting in some way. We just have to look for it.