Let People Handle Their Own Conflict
This is part of my blog series Practical Self-Help for Introspective People.
Hey, friends!
I want to discuss a subtle way people trespass boundaries every day without realizing it. It’s nearly invisible to us, yet it happens all the time.
And it’s this: we inject ourselves into other people’s conflicts. We pick sides, join forces, and gang up on a person or group. Instead, we should mind our own business. Let people handle their own conflict.
It’s like that Polish proverb my wonderful wife likes to quote: not my circus, not my monkeys.
Here’s an example
A friend I’ll call Alpha needed advice on how to handle some family drama.
Alpha was going to visit his sister, and his parents wanted him to see how she was doing and report back to them. Specifically, the parents wanted Alpha to report on his sister’s spending habits. They’d bailed her out multiple times and wanted to know how/where she was blowing her money.
And Alpha wanted advice on how to handle this.
Now, can you see the issue here? Alpha’s parents asked him to spy on his sister and involve himself in their drama. The word “spy” sounds harsh, but that’s what it is.
Doing this would mean trespassing two real boundaries: his sister’s right to privacy and breaking confidence.
1. Every adult has a right to privacy. The sister is not required to disclose her spending habits to her parents, Alpha, or anyone. Even if she fritters her parents’ money away on pogs, pogo sticks, and Pokemon cards, she doesn’t have to tell anyone. She may elect to share her spending habits with someone, but it’s her choice. That’s the boundary.
(Exceptions to this exist, obviously. Use good judgment!)
Unfortunately, the parents want to use Alpha to extract information from his sister. Instead, they should talk to her directly while acknowledging that she’s not obligated to tell them anything. And they’re not obligated to give her money.
2. We must not break confidences. When someone shares personal struggles with us, we mustn’t share that info with anyone. That’s a line we don’t cross. That’s the boundary.
(Again, exceptions exist.)
Unfortunately, the parents want Alpha to collect intel and pass it to them. They want Alpha to break the sister’s confidence. Instead, they should talk to the sister. They should build a deeper relationship with her.
Turn the tables
If any of this sounds unreasonable, turn the tables. If you have an issue with someone, you don’t want them roping in others, demanding people take sides. These behaviors make for great soap operas but make our personal lives miserable.
Instead, don’t get involved in other people’s conflicts. Don’t break their trust. That’s the boundary.
And Alpha can have a good relationship with his parents and his sister, despite the dispute. (Seriously, not everything needs to escalate into a Montagues-vs-Capulets kind of family feud.)
Steal my script
My advice to Alpha: talk to your sister. See how she’s doing, help her feel heard, etc. Be a good sibling! But don’t pass personal details to your parents.
When they ask about her, be vague, e.g., “She’s doing all right.”
When your parents press you for particulars, say, “She might’ve told me more, but she doesn’t want me to discuss it with anyone else. And I don’t wanna lose my sister’s trust. But you should talk to her and see how she’s doing.”
This script enforces healthy boundaries. It frames things in terms of losing your sister’s trust—which is hard to argue against! And the last bit redirects the conversation toward what your parents can do. It shines a spotlight on their agency.
Example from Stewie’s life
A few years ago, I had a blowup with Uncle J. We were planning a massive family dinner with cousins, second cousins, and great aunts and uncles. But Uncle J and I disagreed on, well, all of the arrangements.
For example, Uncle J wanted to have dinner catered and charge $10/person, which would help pay for two great uncles to fly in. I wanted to put on a giant potluck so the poorest people who lived nearby would actually come.
Things got heated at one point, and we both said hurtful things.
But at no point did I rope others in and turn them against Uncle J. I talked to my wife about my frustrations—she’s a great listener!—and she offered to talk to him. But I asked her not to. I said, “Let me handle this.” I didn’t want my wife, siblings, or parents joining forces with me against Uncle J. I didn’t want things to escalate.
(In the end, Uncle J and I both apologized and compromised. And the dinner was a success.)
So here’s my advice to you: let people handle their own conflict. Don’t get involved. Don’t take sides. And don’t break confidences. That’s the boundary.
Thanks to Diane Callahan and Thomas Weigel for reading drafts of this!