How Do I End a Video Call Without Feeling Like a Jerk?
This is part of my blog series Practical Self-Help for Introspective People.
Hey, friends!
So I got a question:
My half-hour meeting is way over time, and I need to pick up my kid, but Tim (a coworker) has spent the last ten minutes rambling about his trip to the Calgary Stampede. Leaving in the middle of their story feels rude, but I can’t stay.
How do I end the video call without feeling like a jerk?
Great question! We’ve all been in these really uncomfortable situations. We might even feel held hostage while waiting for the other person to finish.
While I don’t have all the answers, I do have a script that works for me.
Steal my script
Here’s what I recommend: five minutes before the meeting ends, say, “Hey, I need to leave in five minutes. I’ve got a hard stop, just so everyone’s aware.” This warns people that you won’t stay when time runs out. And it aligns with the idea of “Don’t surprise coworkers.”
If you’re worried about appearing rude, interject with, “Hey, I’m totally interrupting here, but I need to let everyone know that I have a hard stop in five minutes.” And trust that no one will get mad at you for doing this.
Then, when the meeting has run out of time, leave a message in the chat, saying, “Gotta go. Thanks, everyone!” This signals that you’re about to sign off, and hopefully, no one is surprised when you do.
And then end the call. Seriously, just leave! After all, you wouldn’t begrudge others leaving a meeting to pick up their kids—especially when they gave a five-minute warning and left a message in chat. So leave and trust that others are as reasonable as you are. Trust that you won’t be punished.
Just leaving protects your time and autonomy. You’re a free agent. No one is holding you hostage; no one is forcing you to stay past time and listen to Tim’s tales about his trip to Canada’s biggest rodeo.
Even better, just leaving establishes the cultural norm of ending a video call when time runs out. It gives others permission to do likewise. And it signals to meeting-schedulers to be efficient because no one stays past time.
Don’t say why you’re leaving
This may seem counterintuitive, but don’t give a reason for why you’re leaving. Don’t tell people that you have to go pick up your kids. You might be used to providing justifications for all sorts of stuff. But don’t do it.
Here’s why: when you give a reason for not staying, you set a precedent, and people expect it in the future. And there are times when you need to leave for personal reasons, like when you’re bored, frustrated, or need a potty break. But you don’t want to list these reasons. You don’t want to say, “I’d love to stay for another story about chuck-wagon racing, but I really gotta poo!”
In addition, you never want to feel obligated to stay in a meeting simply because you can’t think of a publicly suitable justification. So don’t offer an explanation. (Afterward, if someone asks why you left, say, “I had a personal thing.” But don’t elaborate.)
This will feel uncomfortable the first few times you do it. (You might be used to asking for permission to do stuff.) But it gets easier with practice. It also signals to coworkers that they may leave without justification—and that’s a good thing! Again, we’re all free agents.
Stop resenting others
Leaving (when time is up) frees you from wishing that people would end on time. When your needs aren’t reliant on others’ behavior, you’re freed from wishing you could control others. That one coworker can prattle on all day long about his vacations, but you’re never held hostage.
As a result, you won’t resent your coworker when they keep talking. You won’t have to suppress your anger, like Shirley from Strictly Ballroom (1992), when she plasters on a phony smile and proclaims, “I’ve got my happy face on today.”
Instead, you’ll feel better about your coworker, and your interactions will improve in small and subtle ways. You’ll be more patient, compassionate, and more likely to assume positive intent.
You might not even be aware of these changes, but your coworker will pick up on them. They’ll feel it. In return, they’ll be more patient and more likely to assume positive intent.
Patience and compassion lead to better behavior. They lead to better feelings, which lead to more patience and compassion.
Hurray for positive spirals!
Common concerns
Now, some readers will point out that this isn’t a revolutionary new strategy (they’re not wrong!), so… why aren’t we doing it? What stops us?
Before we end, let’s address some specific concerns/obstacles:
But Stewie, it looks like they are wrapping up. Do I need to warn people?
It depends.
Does this person have a track record of ending on time? Or are you avoiding the discomfort of warning people?
My advice: practice warning people. Feel the discomfort and do it anyway. Even when it seems like the meeting is wrapping up, exercise courage and tell people you have a hard stop in five minutes. I promise that with practice, it gets easier.
But Stewie, what will people think of me if I do this?
It sounds like you’re worried about being ostracized or punished. And in some cases, this is a valid concern.
But I’ll point out that you wouldn’t snub or spurn someone who gave a five-minute warning and then left, right? You’re a reasonable person, after all! Well, trust that most coworkers are also reasonable.
This is hard for people who struggle with boundaries. Choosing to trust is scary. But it’s necessary.
But Stewie, when is a good time to interrupt with my “I’m leaving soon” announcement?
Wait for the speaker to take a quick breath and then interject your announcement. Say, “Hey, I’m totally interrupting here, but I need to let everyone know that I have a hard stop in five minutes.”
If this seems scary, turn the tables and consider how you’d react if someone in the meeting did this. Would you get mad? Would you remember their interruption for the next several days or weeks? No, of course not! So trust that people won’t get upset when you interrupt. Trust that others won’t remember your tiny interruption.
Thanks to Diane Callahan and Thomas Weigel for reading drafts of this!