When Friends Are Grouchy, Ask What’s Frustrating Them
This is part of my blog series Practical Self-Help for Introspective People.
Hey, friends,
My friend (let's call him Karl) was super grouchy last night. We had dinner at Chili's, and he was annoyed by everything: the inattentive server, the boisterous toddlers behind us, and other things we expect in an overcrowded/understaffed restaurant.
But I suspected that something else was driving his crabbiness. I said, "You seem frustrated with life. What's going on?"
Karl took a few seconds and then emotionally unloaded. Turns out, his latest science fiction story was rejected by another online magazine. The rejection triggered oodles of negative emotions:
He felt confused—his stories are just as good as published ones.
He felt powerless, unable to change the outcome.
He felt despair that he'll never get published.
Karl's bundle of negative emotions made him irritable.
But I overlooked his grouchiness because I saw his pain. I saw the confusion and despair. And I could empathize with these feelings.
Empathy allowed me to sidestep Karl's negativity, shine the spotlight on his feelings, and validate him. He talked; I listened. By the end of dinner, Karl felt a bit better. His situation hadn't improved, but someone had listened to him and helped him feel heard.
(Sidenote: This was only possible because Karl could identify the source of his frustrations. If he were consistently crabby but clueless, we probably wouldn't be friends.)
And Karl has done the same for me. I've been the grouch, and he's asked about my frustrations. He's listened to me unload about health challenges and career disappointments. Each time, this made me feel heard. Each time, this deepened our friendship.
So try it out! The next time a friend is irritable, say, "You seem frustrated with life. What's going on?"
Invite them to share their pain. Listen and help them feel heard. You won't solve their problems (that's their responsibility), but that's not what they want. They want to feel heard. They want someone to validate that their struggles are real.
Validate your friends, and they will do the same for you.