From Meddler to Minding My Own Business
This is part of my blog series Practical Self-Help for Introspective People.
I've spent years developing good personal boundaries. But for the longest time, I was a people pleaser and felt like people trampled my boundaries. For the longest time, I was convinced that the world was overrun with “mean people,” making life hard for us “nice people.”
I was wrong.
The problem wasn’t mean people. The problem was me. I didn’t enforce personal boundaries, and at times, even invited boundary-crossing. Realizing this was a huge light-bulb moment for me. And the world has looked very different ever since.
In my 30s, an even bigger realization landed on my doorstep: I didn’t always respect boundaries. I regularly told my boss how to do his job and my wife how to solve her problems. No one appreciated this! Now, I wasn’t a dictator, but I acted like I knew best. I acted like I could solve the world’s problems if everyone would just listen to me.
Obnoxious much?
After much introspection, I discovered two forces drove my meddling. First, I didn’t trust others to manage their own lives. They needed fixin’. And second, I was avoiding the hard work of improving my own life. Meddling was way more enjoyable than fixin’ my own problems.
Worse yet, I wanted people to need my help, to need me. This encouraged me to view others as helpless. The more helpless they were, the more they needed me. (What a terrible way to view other people!) Taken to its logical conclusion, I become everyone’s neurotic savior.
Meanwhile, everyone around me becomes estranged. This frustration is captured in Sara Bareilles’s song “King of Anything”:
I hate to break it to you babe,
but I’m not drowning
There’s no one here to save
Nowadays, when I feel compelled to dive into others’ affairs, to “save them,” I stop and tell myself two things:
People can handle their life, just as I can handle mine.
People don’t need to be saved, just as I don’t need to be saved.
But it’s a hard habit to break.
At times, I slip up. At times, I try to fix people’s problems. But my wonderful wife, who is frequently the target of my unsolicited advice, reminds me, “You don't have to solve this for me.”
My lovely wife is right, as she normally is. I don’t have to fix people’s problems. I don't have to save them. As Grandpa used to say, “Just let people alone.”
If Stewie can change, so can you.
Don’t waste your life trespassing boundaries by telling people what to do. Trust that them to manage their lives, just as you can manage yours. And find more productive ways to be needed. (Honestly, just ask people, “How can I help?” Then, help them with that.)
Also, consider whether you're avoiding the hard work of improving your own life. Do you have goals to work toward? Do you have issues to resolve? (I certainly do.) Put simply, are you avoiding hard things?
I know it sounds cliché, but try doing the hard things in life. You don't have to do it all today. Just take one step. And then another. (You can do this!)
Remember the words of James Clear:
Rome wasn’t built in a day,
but they were laying bricks every hour.
You don’t have to do it all today.
Just lay a brick.
Thanks to Sarah L. Hawthorn and Thomas Weigel for reading drafts of this. Thanks to Todd Ericksen for helping with graphics.