Want to Build Rapport? Bring PIE: Positivity, Interest, and Enthusiasm
This is part of my blog series Practical Self-Help for Introspective People.
Hey, friends!
As I talk to people with low self-esteem, I notice a common theme. They struggle to get their needs met.
They often ask:
How do I make new friends?
How do I not bomb this job interview?
How do I get the landlord to fix the air conditioner?
At first glance, these seem like different problems. What does getting a new job have to do with persuading the landlord to fix stuff? But these challenges are symptomatic of the same root problem. People with low self-esteem often struggle to build rapport, especially with people they’ve just met.
The tool
So here’s a tool I use daily to quickly build rapport with people: I bring positive energy, show genuine interest, and express enthusiasm. (I remember this with the acronym PIE.)
Here’s what this looks like when talking to my friend Campbell:
I bring positive energy, and I’m upbeat.
I show interest as he discusses his latest obsession (Bach’s fugal works).
I express enthusiasm for his latest triumph (he completed 90 consecutive days on Duolingo).
In short, I make a big chunk of our conversations about Campbell.
Frederick L. Collins sums this up:
There are two types of people-those who come into a room and say, “Well, here I am!” and those who come in and say, “Ah, there you are.”
Why this works
People want to be around us when we are positive, when we show interest in them, and when we express enthusiasm. Bringing PIE transforms us into someone others want to help and spend time with. Bringing PIE makes us attractive.
It's like that quote from Blair Warren:
People will do anything for those who encourage their dreams, justify their failures, allay their fears, confirm their suspicions, and help them throw rocks at their enemies.
Let’s look at three examples:
Need to make friends? Bring PIE (positivity/interest/enthusiasm) to every interaction (work/school/transit/online/etc), and you’ll connect with a bunch of people and figure out whose interests/personalities jive with yours.
Need your upcoming job interview to go well? Bring PIE, and interviewers will like you waaaay more than candidates who are negative and uninterested in the interviewer.
Need the landlord to fix the air conditioner? Remember that the landlord has their own goals/worries/interests. Bring PIE to your conversations with them, and they’re much more likely to see you as a fellow human suffering in the sweltering heat (and not as the tenant whining about one more thing).
Rapport and self-esteem
Being able to build rapport quickly is a minor superpower! It helps you to make friends, land a job, and negotiate with others. In short, it helps you get what you need from other people.
And this affects your self-esteem. When you feel confident that you can meet your needs, you’ll feel confident in yourself. And your self-esteem will grow.
Now, if this feels overwhelming, start small. Pick just one interaction today and bring PIE. Be positive, show interest, and express enthusiasm.
You can do this!