How to Control Your Rage When That Souped-up Subaru Swerves Across 4 Lanes During Rush-Hour
This is part of my blog series Practical Self-Help for Introspective People.
Hey, friends!
Let me share an anecdote from Eitan Hersh’s book Politics Is for Power. The author explains how mad he gets at bad drivers, unlike his brother-in-law.
If I’m driving down the highway, my three kids strapped into car seats in the back of our minivan, and I see a car swerving in and out of lanes, accelerating past me at ninety miles an hour, I get upset. I tense up, clutch the steering wheel. Maybe I’ll blurt out something just barely left of R-rated, mindful of the children. I honk an extended honk into the expanding distance between the speeding driver and my minivan to demonstrate how annoyed I am.
But do you know what my brother-in-law does in this situation, when he sees someone speed past him? He thinks to himself, or maybe he says to those in the car with him with a smile, “Driving that fast, I bet that guy really needs to use the bathroom.”
Now, that’s a funny image. But there’s something for us to learn.
When people drive too fast, we can view them as terrible, horrible, awful miscreants who deserve a swift and fiery demise. Or we can view them as fellow humans in a hurry because they really gotta poo.
Either way, we tell ourselves a story about them. Either way, the story is fiction. But the story we choose determines what we feel.
Positive stories lead to positive feelings
If we assume the driver is a horrible person, we may feel rage and get sucked into the vortex of negative emotions. And these feelings are like a stench that seeps into every interaction, making us grumpy and grouchy. We can’t be furious with one individual and feel compassion toward everyone else.
But if we assume the driver simply had an urgent bathroom situation, we feel much better about the situation, and them, and our life in general. We feel compassion for them, or at the very least, we have neutral feelings toward them. This protects us from a maelstrom of negativity.
Choosing positive stories about others helps us maintain positive relationships (because we’re way less grouchy), and it helps us achieve our goals (because negativity induces procrastination).
Positive stories lead to positive feelings. And a better life.
Next time…
The next time you encounter a speeding driver, say to yourself, “I hope they make it to the bathroom in time!”
Choose a charitable view and protect your emotional energy. Remember, modern life is complicated and chaotic, and nearly everyone is hurting. You just have to look past the behavior and see their pain. (Or their need to poo.)
Thanks to Diane Callahan and Thomas Weigel for reading drafts of this!