Venting: How to Do It Without Treating People Like an Emotional Trash Bin
This is part of my blog series Practical Self-Help for Introspective People.
Hey, friends!
So I got a question:
Sometimes, I just need to vent my feelings to someone. But I worry they’ll think I’m treating them like an emotional trash bin. I don’t want to add to their emotional load! I don’t want to be a burden. How do I vent without feeling like a jerk?
That’s a great question. We all need someone to listen to us from time to time. We all need a release and a way to expel the frustration trapped within us. And we all need to feel heard.
Laurie Buchanan sums it up nicely: “When we listen, we hear someone into existence.”
But how can we meet this basic need without trespassing boundaries? And without feeling like a jerk? While I don’t have all the answers, I do have a script that works for me.
Steal my script
When I need to vent, here’s what I say:
Hey, can we talk for a minute? I’m feeling really frustrated about [insert thing], and I need someone to listen to me. I’m not looking for advice; I just need to vent for a few minutes and have someone validate my frustrations. Do you have a few minutes? And it’s totally OK you if don’t — I know you’re busy with [insert thing they’re busy with].
Even though this script only has about 70 words, there’s a lot packed in there.
Let’s break it down:
Hey, can we talk for a minute?
All good communicators orient the listener to where the conversation is heading. The “can we talk for a minute?” does double duty: 1) it conveys there’s something on your mind, and 2) that you’d like to drive the conversation.
I’m feeling really frustrated about [insert thing], and I need someone to listen to me.
This scopes the conversation to a specific issue frustrating you and prepares them to hear your upcoming request.
I’m not looking for advice
When we need to vent, the last thing we need is advice or well-intended suggestions. So if you don’t want any advice, tell them.
I just need to vent for a few minutes and have someone validate my frustrations.
Having another human listen is really important. But even more important is to have someone validate that our frustration is legitimate and reasonable. We need someone to tell us that we’re not just completely overreacting.
Do you have a few minutes?
Here’s the actual ask. And it’s critical that you actually ask them for what you need.
And it’s totally OK you if don’t — I know you’re busy with [insert thing they’re busy with].
End your request by giving the other person an out. They need to be able to say No without feeling uncomfortable.
Specifically, this communicates that:
- You empathize with everything they have going on
- You respect that they control their time and can say No
- You won’t punish them for saying No
And then stop talking…
Afterward, stop talking and wait silently for a reply. If you don’t get an immediate response, you may be tempted to fill the silence and tell the other person to never mind, that you don’t need this, and blah blah blah. Don’t do that.
Instead, give them a moment to think and then respond.
Also, listen for the soft No. People seldom give direct and unequivocal Nos. They won’t say, “Hell No! Can’t you see I’m busy bingeing Wheel of Fortune re-runs??” Instead, they’ll say something like, “I’m actually kind of busy right now. Later?”
Understand that despite its softness, a soft No is still a No. So be gracious and understanding. (After all, you want others to respect your soft Nos.)
When people tell me No, I might respond with, “Sounds like now is not a great time. And that’s totally OK. Good luck with [insert thing they’re busy with].” This reiterates that you respect them and their time.
Know what a jerk would do
Even after reading this, you might hesitate to use the script. It might feel too aggressive, and you might worry about coming across as a jerk. So let’s go over what a jerk would actually do and adjust your associations for jerk-like behavior.
Here’s the complete script a jerk at work used on me (as I furiously tried to fix a software bug):
Dude, you’re not doing anything important. You won’t believe this…
He then launched into a 40-minute tirade about his failing marriage and how he despised his brother-in-law. And he just expected me to listen. (Which I did because I was a people pleaser, and he was my boss.)
Notice that the jerk:
- Was rude
- Provided zero context
- Didn’t ask for permission to unload
Jerks just plunge into whatever is on their mind. Furthermore, they’ll purposely pick people-pleasers—and subordinates—precisely because they won’t push back. Jerks are opportunists who siphon energy from everyone they can.
But you’re not a jerk. Far from it. So when you feel scared of coming across as a jerk, remind yourself what actual jerks do. Remind yourself that gently asking for what you need doesn’t make you a jerk.
Know what a compassionate person would do
Compassionate people understand that listening requires emotional labor and that not everyone is up for it. But they also realize there’s a cost to carrying emotional weight and not having someone hear you.
As such, compassionate people don’t feel guilty asking for what they need and respect others when they say No. They’re gracious and say to themselves, “This person has a lot going on. Who else can I ask?” They care for themselves as well as others.
Lastly, compassionate people recognize that asking for help is hard! It goes against the dominant culture, which idolizes independence and self-sufficiency. They’re kind and warm-hearted to those who struggle to ask, even when that person is themself.
Take action
When you need to vent, steal my script and just ask someone to listen.
The first time is the hardest. And you might need to remind yourself that your needs are important, that gently asking is not imposing, and that most people are kind. But it’s worth it.
You can do this!
Thanks to Diane Callahan and Thomas Weigel for reading drafts of this!