31 Common Sense Boundaries
This is part of my blog series Practical Self-Help for Introspective People.
Did anyone else have a rough time as a teenager? And in their 20s? Because I did. Poor boundaries made life hard, and I felt like a doormat at times.
To make matters worse, I trespassed others’ boundaries. I emulated boundary-crossing behaviors I saw on TV (and from a few family members). As a result, I didn’t always respect people close to me. If I had a time machine, I’d change lots of stuff.
But I don’t have a time machine. I can’t go back.
What I do have is a list of common sense boundaries I’ve compiled over the years. It’s the list that I wish someone had handed me when I was about ten. And then again, every year after. Seriously, life would’ve been smoother if someone had sat me down and walked me through these basic boundaries. (Or maybe someone did, but I was too stubborn to listen. Definitely a possibility!)
Related: Where Do Our Personal Boundaries Begin?
So here’s my list of common sense boundaries. I framed them using the Golden Rule, e.g., “Treat people how you want to be treated.”
Ok, enough preamble—on with the list.
Relationship boundaries
Actions: I will be mindful of how my actions make others feel, just as I want others to be conscious of how their actions affect me.
Unsolicited advice: I will think twice before offering unsolicited advice. I will trust that people can solve their problems and manage their lives just as I want them to trust that I can manage mine.
Negging: I will not undermine another person’s self-confidence (so they crave my approval), just as I don’t want be negged.
Conversation boundaries
Spotlight: I will allow others to direct where a conversation goes and shine the spotlight on themselves half the time, just as I want them to do this for me.
Interrupting: I will not interrupt people just as I don’t want to be interrupted.
Negative comments: — I will not make snide remarks about another’s appearance or how they run their life, just as I don’t want comments made about me.
Answering questions: I will not require that others answer questions, just as I want the freedom to keep things to myself.
Demeaning nicknames: I will not belittle people with degrading nicknames—which suggest that they’re deficient and unworthy of respect—just as I don’t want this done to me.
Here’s an egregious example of negative nicknames used by Donald Trump.
Personal space boundaries
Touching: I will not touch others (without their permission) just as I don’t want them to touch me.
Breathing Room: I will not invade another’s space just as I don’t want others to invade mine.
Scaring: I will not sneak up on people and scare them just as I don't want this done to me.
Negotiation boundaries
Requests: I will make clear and straightforward requests when I want something, just as I want others to make direct requests of me.
Pouting: I will not pout (i.e., make another feel bad and concede) just as I don’t want others to pout.
Badgering: I will not endlessly try to persuade someone just as I don’t want people to badger me.
Threats: I will not threaten to harm others—or myself—if someone doesn’t comply, just as I don’t want others to make threats.
Blackmail: I will not threaten to expose a vulnerability just as I don’t want to be blackmailed.
Power level: I will be mindful of my power level and not use my position to get what I want, just as I want others to do the same for me.
Food boundaries
Comments: I will not comment on what others eat (or don’t eat), just as I don’t want people commenting on my choices.
Diets: I will not remind folks of their eating plans or dietary restrictions, just as I don’t want this done to me.
Ordering: I will not order food for others (without their permission) just as I don’t want food ordered for me.
Internet boundaries
Trolling: I will not post inflammatory things online to upset folks, just as I don’t want people to troll me.
Doxing: I will not post people’s private or personally identifying info, just as I want my privacy respected.
See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DoxingHarassment: I will not intimidate or attack others online, just as I don’t want to be harassed.
Photos/Videos: I will not post photos or videos of others online without their express consent. Furthermore, I will remove these when asked, just as I want folks to do the same for me.
Sealioning: I will not harass people by peppering them with really basic questions while maintaining an air of sincerity, with the goal of exhausting/angering the other person, just as I don't want this done to me.
See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sealioning
Time boundaries
Punctuality: I will strive to arrive on time just as I want others to be punctual.
Micromanaging: I will not tell people how to spend their time, just as I don’t want to be told how to spend my time.
Ending discussions: I will respect another's desire to end a conversation/meeting just as I want people to do this for me.
Public space boundaries
Loud talking: I will be mindful of how my voice carries in public areas (e.g., stores, restrooms, waiting rooms) so that others may have conversations just as I want others to grant me the same courtesy.
Sprawling: I will be mindful of how much space I take up and make room for others just as I want others to make room for me.
Blocking: I will not block entrances or exits just as I don’t want my path obstructed.
Further reading
Thanks to Britton Broderick for reviewing drafts of this post!