Healthy Boundaries 101

Dec 28, 2021

This is part of my blog series Practical Self-Help for Introspective People.

Can I tell you a secret? The biggest reason we don’t enforce personal boundaries is that we don’t know where they are. Not really. No one ever sat us down and said, “This is where your boundaries begin. This is the line.”

As a result, people walk all over us, and we second-guess ourselves about whether anything terrible even happened. We feel mistreated but have nothing to point to and say, “You’ve crossed this line!”

Our boundaries are fuzzy and shadowy and amorphous. We’re unclear on them until it’s too late, and we’ve permitted someone to tread on us like a dirty doormat.

So let’s fix this. Let’s explore exactly where boundaries begin. Afterward, it’ll be easy to know when someone crosses a boundary.

Healthy boundaries made simple

Just as homeowners set physical property lines around their land, we need to set mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries for our lives to help us distinguish what is our responsibility and what isn’t.
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How to Say No

Understanding healthy boundaries begins with a mindset: As an adult, I’m responsible for everything in my personal life. Likewise, you’re responsible for everything in your personal life. And we mind our own business.

You might hear this and say, “Duh!” This attitude toward life seems obvious, yet few folks live this way. Instead, they waste their days meddling in others’ lives. And they allow—or invite!—interlopers to interfere in their own affairs.

Don’t do this. Take ownership of your life and trust others to govern theirs.

Let’s apply this principle to three areas of life and see exactly where your boundaries begin.

1. Your body

You’re accountable for everything about your body: How you dress, what you eat, when you seek medical treatment, etc. You decide what’s best for your body because you have to live with the consequences. Likewise, I’m accountable for everything about my body.

Sounds straightforward, right?

Here’s the kicker: You’re not allowed to comment about others’ bodies. So don’t comment about what they eat or make snide remarks about what they wear. Why? Because other people’s bodies are not your responsibility.

Their body → their responsibility → their business.

Similarly, you don’t need anyone’s permission (or approval!) to devour another Big Mac, decorate your body, or don a blazer. Furthermore, if someone doles out unsolicited advice, just walk away.

Your body → your responsibility → your business.

So if anyone dictates what to do with your body, they’ve crossed a boundary. If they make snarky comments about your appearance, they’ve crossed a boundary. This is the line. As such, there’s nothing wrong with telling them to mind their own damn business.

Related: 24 Common Sense Boundaries

And if a busybody invites you to help them cast judgments about what someone wears to that summer barbecue, just shrug and say, “I don’t worry about what other people wear.”

Living like this makes it far easier to be friends with people who live differently than you.

But Stewie, what if your decisions affect other people, like refusing to wear a mask in public during a pandemic or refusing to get the polio vaccine?

We should enforce bodily boundaries when our decisions don't affect anyone. But things get murky and messy when personal decisions affect others. We must strike a balance between protecting our autonomy and protecting our society.

2. Your mind

You’re in charge of your mind. This includes your education, opinions, and beliefs. In the same way, I’m in charge of my mind.

As such, I have no business hunting people down and telling them what to think. If someone asks my opinion, I'll tell them what I believe. (I’ll also stop talking when they lose interest.) But there’s no need to track down every last flat earther and persuade them that the earth is a sphere (although I won’t nominate them to run NASA). There’s a wide spectrum of creeds, and I refuse to squander my time by knocking every door and convincing every soul.

Here’s why:

Half of what I believe is wrong—I just don’t know which half.
No one, including myself, wants to be bugged with unsolicited opinions.

I don’t care what thoughts others have so long as they don’t trespass boundaries and govern how I, or others, live.

At this point, you may conclude, “Stewie is full of crap. He has no idea what he’s talking about!” And that’s OK—I’m not obliged to convince you of anything. You and I can disagree on some things and still be friends.

So if someone badgers you to change your mind about something, they’ve crossed a boundary. If they continually spout unsolicited advice, they’ve crossed a boundary. This is the line.

But Stewie, what about civil discourse and lively debate?

I love discourse and even debate. I gladly discuss a variety of issues with friends/family. So long as both of us want to engage in a discussion, there’s no problem. But as soon as someone wants to end the discussion, the other party should respect this. This is the line.

But Stewie, aren’t you trying to change my mind about boundaries?

Yes, I am. I absolutely want to persuade you that this is a better way to live. But reading my work is entirely voluntary. No one can punish you when you ignore my articles and watch cute cat videos instead. So no boundaries are violated.

In addition, I’m not chasing you. I won’t knock on your door as door-to-door salespeople do. I won’t interrupt your dinner as telemarketers do. And I won’t badger you with unsolicited advice as that one meddling family member does.

In fact, you have to seek me out. To read my work, you have to follow someone’s recommendation or join my email list. This sort of arrangement respects your autonomy and agency. So no boundaries are violated.

3. Your obligations

You’re responsible for your job, bills, and any kids you may have. Likewise, I’m responsible for my obligations. By now, you see the pattern and where this freight train is headed: Every person needs to mind their own business about work, finances, and childrearing.

You and I spend money on different things and give our kiddos different bedtimes (or no bedtimes). And that’s OK. We can peacefully coexist without getting up in each other’s business. (My wife often quotes the Polish proverb that says, “Not my circus, not my monkeys.”)

We can have our own routines, traditions, and spending habits while getting along as friendly neighbors. So if a nosy coworker pesters you on how to manage your money or rear your kids, they’ve crossed a boundary. This is the line.

But Stewie, what if a child is in danger? Shouldn't we intervene?

Yes, we should step in. Society has an obligation to protect those who cannot protect themselves. But the vast majority of the time, no one is in danger. Instead, busybodies are looking for something to do and someone to fix.

Now you know…

Growing up in the 1980s, I watched an embarrassing amount of cartoons, including G.I. Joe. These short episodes ended with a PSA advising kids not to do stupid stuff, like, “Hey kids, don’t tell strangers when you’re home alone.” And PSAs concluded with, “Now you know. And knowing is half the battle…”

In the years since my cartoon-binging days, I’ve learned that knowing is an essential ingredient to make lasting change. But it’s certainly not half the battle. Not even 10%. In many cases, it’s just the first step and only accounts for 1% of what’s needed.

This is certainly the case with setting boundaries. We have to know where they are, obviously, but 99% of the effort is actually enforcing them. The vast majority of the work comes as we train everyone around us to treat us with more respect.

Pushing back on boundary-encroachers can be exhausting. It can feel overwhelming. But don’t give up. It’s totally worth it. And once people treat you with respect, you’ll never go back.

Go 10X

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