Don’t Damage Relationships to Make Others Happy
This is part of my blog series Practical Self-Help for Introspective People.
Hey, friends!
I want to discuss a way people trample boundaries. It doesn’t happen often, but it’s incredibly hurtful.
And it’s this: we allow people to leverage our relationship to control and hurt others.
Here’s an example
A friend (let’s call her Yolanda) is getting married soon. But her father will only come if she doesn’t invite her twin sister. (The father and sister have an ongoing beef about money matters that doesn’t concern Yolanda.) She feels stuck between two terrible options. Either way, someone will be upset!
Now, can you see the issue here?
The root problem is that Yolanda’s father is trampling boundaries, but she doesn’t know where the boundaries are, so she can’t enforce them.
So let’s clarify two boundaries. Once we do, it’ll be obvious how Yolanda should handle this sticky situation. Then, she won’t be a pawn in her father’s conflict.
Boundary 1: We don’t dictate where others go.
Yolanda’s father wants to control where the sister goes, and that’s not ok. He’s exerting power over her. We don’t want our movements dictated by other adults, so we don’t do that ourselves. That’s the boundary.
(Exceptions to this exist, e.g., restraining orders. Use good judgment.)
Instead, the father should summon the courage to be civil with the sister at the wedding. The two of them don’t have to talk to each other or even sit by each other. They’re not required to interact in any way. (Honestly, cooperating with people you don’t necessarily like is part of being an adult.)
And if, for some reason, the father just can’t bear to be in the same room—and breathe the same air!—as the sister, then he, the father, should skip the wedding. But it’s ridiculous to expect Yolanda to disinvite her sister just because the father won’t act like a grownup.
Boundary 2: We don’t use relationships as leverage.
Yolanda’s father is leveraging their relationship to control the sister. He’s issued an ultimatum: disinvite the sister, or he’ll skip the wedding, which’ll harm Yolanda’s relationship with him.
But simply issuing the ultimatum has damaged the relationship between Yolanda and her father, as he tries to rope her into a conflict she’s not responsible for. It’s made her feel incredibly anxious as she prepares for what should be a magical day.
Yolanda’s father is using her as a pawn in his conflict. This is something we don’t do and a line we don’t cross. That’s the boundary.
Instead, the father should handle the conflict with the sister himself.
Steal my script
My advice to Yolanda: don’t play your father’s games. Don’t take sides in others’ conflicts. Instead, clarify boundaries and enforce them.
Say:
My wedding is coming up, and I want you there. It’s important to me that the people I love come celebrate with me.
Now, my sister will be there. I want both of you to put aside your squabbles for one day and come celebrate with me on my big day. You don’t have to talk to each other or even sit by each other.
Will you come?
And if your dad objects, if he starts listing all the reasons why you “must” disinvite your sister, briefly list the boundaries you won’t allow him to trample.
Say:
We’re talking about my wedding here. This is my day, not yours, and I want you to make it about me. Besides, your conflict has nothing to do with me. Furthermore, you don’t dictate whom I invite. Because it’s my day.
My sister is coming, and if you can’t handle that, then that’s your problem. Not mine. Just know that if you skip out on my wedding, I won’t forget it.
Afterward, end the discussion—abruptly if necessary.
Here’s why: manipulators continue conversations until you reach emotional exhaustion and acquiesce to their demands. They’ll pepper you with questions or guilt-trip you, all so you feel obligated to respond. All to keep the argument alive. All to wear you down until you cave. (It’s part of their playbook.)
But the truth is that you can end any discussion with anyone. At any time. You’re not obligated to keep talking. That’s also a boundary!
It feels wildly uncomfortable to just walk out of a conversation. Or hang up on someone. It feels rude! And yet it’s required when dealing with people who prey on politeness.
Say:
Look, I’ve said my piece. You know where I stand. The ball is in your court.
Lastly, it’s worth mentioning that you can’t force your father to attend. You can’t force him to make your big day about you. And you certainly can’t force him to resolve the dispute with your sister.
Set clear boundaries and let people make their own decisions. Living this way simplifies your life. You’ll avoid messy entanglements and protect your emotional energy for things you care about. Best of all, you won’t feel forced into a corner and feel responsible for others’ conflicts.
Thanks to Diane Callahan and Thomas Weigel for reading drafts of this!